Numb

it's been more than 10 month since i lost my last job, trying this IM stuff, hmm..

God..

i have givin up my best to do it, but why i still haven't find the way..
i know what should i do, but the thing is, i cant stick on it,
always get distracted by something, wheter it's something new or getting stress out..

this morning mom starting to talk again about my IM proggress..
it's been almost a year, and she saw me making nothing,
i have you know..
making money from IM, i know it's not that much, but at least i'm making some

that's a good news i think,
it proves that from IM, i can earn $$

but everyone think that i'm taking too long
i know it is, but i love this IM
i believe..
i have faith..

i know my future
i know where i'm heading
i know where i will end up

but sometimes i'm just afraid,
i mean, this is my dream
the dream that i turn out to be my goal
the goal that drive my life

in the head,
sometimes there's feeling,
what if things not turn out like what i want it to be??
what if for all this time i'm just dreaming and just trying to convince my self that i can do it??
that IM is the way..

what if i'm wrong???

people told me to do this..
do that..
try new things, find a job..
find a great job, with great career..

maybe having a job is way much better,
i dont have to worry about money,

damn, it's been 3 years, 3 fucking years..
3 years living afraid of having no money,
3 years living with all the chances of being broke...

sometime i just feel like i have no spirit and power to move on again
sometimes i just end up being numb,
lost in my silent mind
crying in my room..

just thinking how hard life can be,
why i have to have this kind of life..

maybe this is the way that success people must take,
maybe this is what it takes to be on top,
the feeling of hard life, the bitter

being hurt....
failure.....

it is suppose to be painful..
it is, trust me..
at first..
the second, the 3rd
it's not gonna be that painful,
sometimes it just become an advantage for you,

the way that you learn from your mistake..
learn why the mistake happend,
in the case that you happend to repeat the mistake in more than 2 times,

hmm...
sorry to say, but i think you're kind a stupid,
hahahaha...
no offense, but c'mon...
if you know there's a hole and you fall,
the next time you pass the hole again, will you fall for the second time??

you will, if you're BLIND
hahahahahahaha.........




Today,
i just spent my day with my lovely gf ^^

God i love her..

now the only thing that can cheer me up and make me smile is her
seeing her smile, holding her in my arm..
it's a great feeling..

those sweet smile, love to see that
and the laugh,

man... :D

when i talk about what my mom talk to me this morning,
she just said something that she usually said..

life,

it's a process
it takes time..
people get to sucess by time and learn

you know what babe..
no one ever been so supportive like you
no one ever been that patient to me
and no one ever BELIEVE in me like you do

that's why i love you, that why i love you so much ^^

yeahhh...
beside that you're beautiful, sweet, and HOT
hahahahaha :D

i'm sorry if i haven't being such a good gf for you..
too busy with work
can't be with you all day
can't give you things that you love
can't buy you stuff that you like

i want to
i love to
but the prob is..

everything come down to money
that's the thing that i kinda dont have right now

it so damn sad you know..
when i have found someone that i love so much
and all i wanna do is just making her smile, making her happy..
but i cant..

with this condition..
i'm afraid that you wont stand of me and my situation again..

i'm afraid that if you find someone that already settle down
you'll leave me..

i'm not saying that i'm not trying..

i do, i try hard, and i know you know it too

the crazy thing is,
if that happend..

i wont blame you for leaving me

it's not because i dont love you..

i do, love you so much

but i just dont want you end up having a hard life when you be with me
i want you to be happy, to enjoy life

after all, we all live once right ^^

thx you babe, for always be by my side, i hope it will last..

g'nite, sweet dreams..

i'll see you in two days, we'll have fun alright ^^

XOXO ^^